The Western True Love Myth

We all grow up hearing in various ways that we are meant to find true love. Western society seems to interpret this as finding the one and only soulmate that we are each 'destined' to find. The culture places tremendous value on achieving this vision. The media, and especially so many Hollywood movies, does a great job of drilling this incomplete message into young people.

Although this fanciful idea has some very emotionally positive and "nice" feelings associated with it, it is still critically flawed and misleading in many ways, and at the same time does nothing to correct the misconceptions and pressures placed on those forming ideas about what love is.

I've learned that there is no one soulmate, and that makes me glad, when I consider the odds of discovering that individual among the 6 billion humans out there. (And what if my soulmate is in a tribal village that has no outside contact!!?) The whole idea strikes me as silly, as though there is some magical fairy that picks these two people out at birth. I would counter that there are many people capable of being a great partner to a given individual. Admittedly, the definition of "great" isn't clear either, nor is it generally agreed upon. Still, to use myself as an example, I know that whatever it is that I value in a partner or relationship can be achieved through any one of a very large number of people. That doesn't mean I choose randomly, it just means I have more choices. It is not simply a matter of finding the one "right" choice, but rather being able to see the elements of a great match and know what I deem good for me.

The online dating world does a great job of promoting this different philosophy, and okcupid.com is a shining example as it does this better than other sites like match.com and eharmony.com, from my research. I respect the interface, transparency and algorithms on okcupid.com, not to mention the general attitude of the site. Match and Eharmony are stuck in older internet ideas and don't seem to develop much over the years. On the other hand the young and dynamic okcupid.com site is always changing, developing and analysing their vast array of data to provide useful information. Not to mention, the site is a dozen times more fun. And it is also a dozen times more addictive (which is why I've stopped my 'research'!). I mention this because the site's strategy matches you based on how you answer important questions and how you expect your ideal matches to answer, and provides you many matches with a match percentage, as opposed to pretending that there is that ONE person you need to find. guess I'm saying that taking a scientific approach resonates with me, even in the search for a great partner. As a society it isn't healthy to operate on misconceptions that are culturally reinforced.

Don't think that I don't believe in True Love. I really do, but I simply define it differently. In The Happiness Hypothesis (which might be the most enlightening book I've ever read), Jonathan De Haidt discusses the differences between passionate love (which flares up short term but doesn't last) and companionate love (which constantly grows and eventually overshadows passionate love). I think his model of how human relationships work is very apt. According to De Haidt the Hollywood model of love also tells us that passionate love should last forever, and is the love we should expect to find. The truth is, however, that companionate love is more fulfilling over the long term, and ultimately has more potential in my opinion to make a lasting difference. Both can be good and beneficial, but I do take issue with the false impression that our culture can create. (That being said, the culture is staring to mature.)

There is no need to believe that I will find the one soulmate and have an intensely passionate relationship forever. The relationships I seek aren't based on that advertised idea. Just like my platonic relationships, what I am "romantically" drawn to is building trust and love through bonds over the long term. And I'm not only grateful that I've already experienced that kind of relationship, but also absolutely convinced that I can find it with other people.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Daniel

PS. This post will be imported automatically into Facebook, but comments are welcome here also.

Have a Relationship, With The Internet

~ This article appears on Where did My Neurons Go?, and imports directly into Facebook. Comments welcome in both locations. ~

I recently helped a single friend create her online dating profile. It was fun, and I remembered learning the hard way, many years ago. Back then, I would get depressed from lack of responses! I didn't know there was nothing wrong with me. I was simply uneducated about the realities of profile-making.

The amount of effort you put into your profile says a lot. If believe you are unattractive, or feel negatively about your chances, you could subconsciously sabotage your profile and then your worst fears will naturally be confirmed.

Making your profile as good as you can will not only make you feel good, but will generate better responses. A good profile reminds you that you are attractive in many ways. (You are!) At worst, spending the few hours it takes to set it up well is just a good exercise in self-knowledge. This is your marketing material, so don't shortchange yourself!

I thought I'd share some of the lessons I've learned. Feel free to share yours through comments!

• Lesson #1 - Get a great profile picture.
  Would you look at a profile with no picture? If so, stop being so naive! Some estimate that 75% of people ignore profiles without pictures. I estimate that it's closer to 105%. I wouldn't waste my time searching for people whom I may or may not find unattractive. Why waste yours?


• Lesson #2 - Use several great pictures.
  Everyone can find or take flattering pictures of themselves (read: your facebook photos). There is no excuse for pictures that aren't clear. Have at least one picture that has you smiling, one of you with others, one of you doing something fun/interesting/hilarious, and one with your entire body, with clothes of course! Your own photo collection has both good and bad photos. Do NOT use the bad ones. Its better to have fewer pictures than to have a bad one.


• Lesson #3 - Don't forget the pictures.


• Lesson #4 - DON'T FORGET THE PICTURES! Seriously!


• Lesson #5 - Be truthful.
  Making stuff up can cause trouble later on and also attract people who aren't into the real you. Its unwise to leave out important items, like the fact that you have children. Being upfront about big things is an opportunity to skip people who are uncomfortable with your life, and to encourage people for whom those things are irrelevant, or even actively sought. The internet is trying to help you filter people quickly. So help others filter you -- you already do it to them. Still, being truthful doesn't mean to avoid creating a little mystery since many details don't need to be shared. Just make sure that your true self is represented.


• Lesson #6 - Be interesting.
  Share some of your unique quirks and interests. If you are worried about being judged, then learn to accept yourself. Being comfortable with yourself is always attractive. Everyone has quirks -- if you don't, then maybe you are in denial. Sure, this lesson isn't really just about online dating, but it still applies.


• Lesson #7 - Be funny.
  Your unique sense of humour is important, so definitely toss some in. For example, when asked to describe herself with three adjectives, my friend's third adjective was "teal". Hilarious, and intriguing. Its a colour. What!? Exactly. Don't you want to know why? Of course you do. If you think you are too serious to have jokes in your profile, then lighten up. People enjoy laughing.


• Lesson #8 - Keep your profile the right length.
  A very short profile says little about you. It might suggest to others that you are afraid, or lazy, or possibly self-conscious. Provide some detail to create a fuller image of yourself. Conversely, a very long profile can suggest that you don't know where to stop, that you have poor judgement, or that you are trying too hard. People want to evaluate quickly, so don't tell your life story -- they will probaly gloss over it anyway. Its important to strike a balance. A friend in the demographic you are seeking is often a good source of feedback.


• Lesson #9 - Don't take anything personally.
  Most people don't even know you. There may not be the best matches for you on your particular site. There can be many reasons for not getting the results you want. Blaming yourself is illogical, because you typically have no idea what the true reasons are. Imagine some plausible reasons for any disappointments, and you will eventually stop being so disappointed. The only thing you can control is your profile, and sometimes even that gets censored by the system!


• Lesson #10 - Make sure you stand out.
  Your pictures, your profile and your messages should be uniquely you. But you also need to make sure its not the same drivel everyone else uses. Ways to get educated: (a) Do some recon on the competition - browse your own demographic (b) Get feedback from a friend (c) Sign up a second account as someone who is your ideal match, use a very attractive picture, and a sparse profile, then sit back and read all the stupid mail you get from others -- it will be enlightening. Think of it as an experiment, which isn't misleading if you don't contact anyone. Be careful not to fall in love with the person you just created.

To go a little farther, many people try to explain the same things: They're a nice person. They are fun to hang out with. They like long walks on the beach. They enjoy hanging out with friends. They like watching movies. That describes everyone!

Set yourself apart and don't write boring words. Think about how your ideal match filters most profiles because they are all so similar. That's only because the others haven't read this article yet. Now use your advantage and get out there!

:Daniel

I'm Back

I know. I haven't posted anything recently. This is because a lot has happened, and I was very busy and distracted. But now that I've had a few moments rest, it's a good time to say that I haven't fallen off the Earth. And I also think it's about time to make a more personal blog entry.

Over the course of the last couple of months, I broke up with my girlfriend, was the best man at a wedding, and found out that my best friend was in a car accident. All of these things, and others, have been really teaching me a lot about life, and its not an easy process. I feel highly challenged in my personal growth as a person and as a Christian.

One of the things I'm really trying to figure out is a concept that everyone else seems to understand fairly well, but I continually struggle with. And that is the concept of love. Well, the concept isn't so difficult, but the definition can be. What I mean is, how do you know that you love someone? I'm referring to anyone, be it your parents, your friends, your spouse, your relatives. What makes you sure that you love them? And for that matter, can you ever be sure? Is believing you love somebody enough to make it true?

I believe that I do love my parents, for example, but I don't say that to them very much (I'm trying to do it more). I believe that I love my friends, but I never say it. And why? I don't even know why. The only explanations that I have seem to be that either I am afraid, uncertain or unqualified to make such a statement. The reading in church today (which prompted this post) was the one in which Jesus says "No one has greater love than to lay down his own life for his friends" (John 15:13), and although that seems like a good starting point, it isn't easily applicable in everyday life.

I often remind myself of that scene in the movie Ghost where Demi Moore's character tells Patrick Swayze's character that she loves him. He can't say it back since he knows that people everywhere say it and don't mean it all the time. Even though it's very obvious from the rest of the movie that he really does love her, it seems like he is stuck on the same concept as me, which prevents him from telling her that he loves her. This makes me think its more a psychological issue than an intellectual one both in the movie and in my life.

My reflection today on the verse led me toward the thought that if the greatest love is when you lay down your life for a friend, then this would imply that there are different degrees of love for another person. If what Jesus is talking about is the greatest love, then maybe there is such a thing as great love, or even good love, or just simply love, and its all just different kinds or different degrees, or different amounts. So I have a few friends where maybe I would hesitate to actually take a bullet for them. But I'm thinking now, as I write this, that it does not therefore mean that I don't love them. And this seems to be what I'm trying to internalise and believe, but I haven't been able to fully do that yet.

Anyway, I would "LOVE" to hear what other people's concepts of knowledge of love are in the above context. And please don't start talking about the three kinds of love using Latin terminology okay? I'm talking about real love for another person with with whom you have a relationship, love in its most general and basic kernel, whatever that means.

Daniel